Snake on: The Power of ‘No’
July 2021’s Wisdom Track Podcast takes a deep dive into how to simply say ‘no’.
What don鈥檛 you understand about NO?聽
Minimalist at only two letters, NO! may be the most complicated word in human history. Somewhat of a linguistic multi-purpose tool, mastery requires lifelong discipline.
NO holds the curious distinction of being among the first words we learn as children. Repeated frequently by adults, and used for a wide range of applications from 鈥淣o you can鈥檛 stay up鈥� to 鈥淣o, don鈥檛 flush the cat.鈥澛�
A specific definition is elusive; a basic internet search provides little beyond etymology. NO tends to be situational. 鈥淣O, don鈥檛 do that鈥� differs greatly from, 鈥淣O, I refuse to do that.鈥� It鈥檚 used to express genuine concern or alarm, 鈥淣O, don鈥檛 touch the hot stove鈥� or as a test to measure our authority, 鈥淣O, because I said so.鈥澛�
We learn NO is malleable and useful in negotiation.聽
Child, 鈥淣O, I won鈥檛 eat broccoli.鈥澛�
Parent, 鈥淓at your broccoli or NO dessert.鈥�
Child, 鈥淗ow much broccoli?鈥�
Reactions vary. Some respond to NO with hurt feelings, tears or tantrums, while others hear NO as a direct challenge and counter instantly with attitude, 鈥淐an鈥檛 make me.鈥澛�
Although introduced to the word during childhood, confusion increases when we take NO for a walk in the adult world.
Those working in sales learn to hear NO as an invitation to further dialog. Popular sales wisdom is to get a minimum of three NOs before moving on. In the sales mind NO is temporary, an obstacle to be cleared.聽
A job applicant upon hearing, 鈥淣O! We鈥檝e filled the position,鈥� understands the NO is definite. It can be emotionally challenging to encounter NO at work or in social settings. The unsuccessful job applicant may walk away feeling the sting of rejection, discouraged or even angry. Yet in this case NO means NO.聽
In the realm of intimate adult relationships, family, friends or lovers, the word carries even greater emotional impact. When those we rely on for connection and support deliver a firm 鈥淣O鈥� we often respond with confusion.
鈥淲hat do you mean NO? You never said NO before. I don鈥檛 understand.鈥�
Complexity surrounds NO like a dust storm in the desert聽
NO can mean: I won鈥檛, you can鈥檛, no way, not really, maybe, and in certain circumstances NO can even mean YES.聽
Two letters of the alphabet not to be underestimated, NO can be persuasive, controlling, inhibiting and potentially liberating. NO has earned a reputation as a linguistic giant capable of bridging language, dialect and culture, free to roam the entire globe.聽
Yet the examples I鈥檝e offered so far fall pitifully short of detailing the expansive influence this one humble word has to govern our actions. I鈥檇 be remiss if I failed to mention the NO we speak (or refuse to speak) to ourselves when alone and facing the mirror.聽
The self-imposed NO.聽
NO to the leftover chocolate cake waiting patiently in the fridge.
NO to endless midnight internet searches.
NO to sex, drugs and rock and roll.
This annoying NO plays a key role in a largely solitary dialog governing our behaviour, habits and preferences. Setting and maintaining boundaries with others is a snap compared to self-imposed boundaries, and further complicated by the often-pitiful response, 鈥淏ut I want to.鈥�
The self-imposed NO ranks among the most challenging to ignore, difficult to respect and at times nearly impossible to speak.
A wise elder offered me counsel regarding this inner dialog 鈥�
鈥淚magine an angel whispering in your right ear and a devil in the left. Both equally opinionated, they constantly speak over one another, offering advice as to how you should proceed.鈥�
鈥淧lugging your ears is not an option, the only way to quiet them down is to listen to what they have to say and honestly consider the advice they offer.鈥�
鈥淭he devil鈥檚 suggestions tend to be self-centred, hungry, greedy and at times hostile. The angel can鈥檛 bear the suffering of others, is generous to a fault and far too eager to sacrifice. The two couldn鈥檛 be more different. Your challenge is to build a life somewhere between the devil and the angel.鈥�
NO plays a critical role when we straddle the line between better instincts and selfish desires. At times siding with the devil or agreeing with the angel we wobble back and forth until NO settles the argument. Only then do the whispering voices fade into the background. (Until the devil and angel find something else to bicker over.)
Perhaps the NO with the most destructive force is the one we swallow.
NO, you鈥檙e not:
Smart enough
Pretty enough
Rich enough
Talented enough
NO, you just don鈥檛 measure up鈥� Gulp.
Nocturnal by nature, this NO usually heard in the wee hours of the night has managed to convince many a man and woman not to even try. It鈥檚 drained them of ambition, and topped them off with insecurity.聽
Equally destructive is its sidekick, the NO we believe absolutely needs to be said but swallow instead of speaking up鈥� Gulp.
Hands down, NO! is certainly the most complicated word in human history.
So, what exactly do you still not understand?聽
‘Snake’ Bloomstrand is 118图库’s special advisor. Read his recent columns on your inner child here, relationships here and on lockdown here.