A Neglected Relationship
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Whether by fate, design, or sheer dumb luck we form a wide variety of relationships over a lifetime, including workplace collaborations, friendships, family, and intimate partners. Relationships range from passionate, rewarding and reciprocal鈥� to frustrating, defensive and resentful. And sometimes, all the above.
Heartbreak, loss, or despair may cause us to doubt the utility of relationship. A bruised heart may grow brittle over time, unwilling or unable to summon the courage to risk connection in any form. Avoidance is an unrealistic long-term strategy; humans remain social beasts and tend to languish in isolation.
Relationships benefit from a willingness to be present in an honest, authentic way. Gratitude is appreciated, forgiveness valued, empathy an asset. We may experience disillusionment or betrayal; humanities darker impulses might require we set boundaries or push back from the table entirely. Our relationship with the 鈥榦ther鈥� has the power to consume the head and inflame the body.
The bottom line is 鈥� humans thrive, suffer, and mature in relation to others.
The evidence for this is all around us. The investment of time and energy spent in relationships plain to see. Seeking safety, security, acceptance or simply swept up in emotional drama, humans choose relationship over isolation.
I鈥檇 been investing in my relationships for decades before I stumbled across my most neglected one. It turns out in addition to being neglected this relationship lasts a lifetime, is alternately forgiving or judgmental, requires daily attention and can never be divorced.
The neglected relationship is the one I have with myself.
In my rush to connect with others I鈥檇 never considered:
鈥淲hat type of relationship do I have with myself?鈥�
Nurturing, patient and supportive? Critical, harsh, and petty?
Honestly? Yes, all of that and much more. I鈥檇 schooled myself in relation to others. Yet I鈥檇 failed to apply the same sensibilities towards building a sustainable relationship with myself.
Relationships benefit from periodic re-evaluation and on-going maintenance.
Determined to explore the vast inner landscape commonly referred to as 鈥榮elf鈥� I leaned in, enrolling as the sole arbiter of my thoughts, desires, and emotions.
Instead of attempting to discipline or deny the choir of voices and characters competing to be heard, I began to listen. When inner conflict or competing agendas surfaced, I saw opportunity in the discord and began to identify my strengths and weaknesses.
Mind and body, for example. Historically an adversarial relationship, survival remains their common interest. Their individual approach differs greatly, at times ending in conflict or indecisiveness. Yet they must collaborate.
You may object to splitting mind and body into separate characters, and rightly so. Mind and body are inseparable, yet it鈥檚 helpful to distinguish between their individual and unique spheres of influence.
Imagine wading into a cold mountain lake for a swim. You shuffle into the freezing water up to your crotch and pause.
The mind says, 鈥淛ust jump in. You鈥檒l get used to the cold.鈥�
The body says, 鈥淓ver hear of hypothermia? Your core temperature is already dangerously low.鈥�
Mind
My mind is convinced it鈥檚 smarter than it is. An overachiever, with a tendency to imagine, dissect and analyse. My mind can fix a broken coffee machine or generate an entire night of anxiety and overwhelm. Jacked up on brain chemicals it can cause regrettable events to take place, or alternately shut down completely.
A vast warehouse, shelves stocked with everything from memories of the cookie鈥檚 grandma baked when I was seven, to the estimated balance in my bank account. The sheer volume of data and memory is staggering, yet quantity is not always quality.
Attempting to retrieve relevant material can be a monumental task. Sound decisions require an earnest attempt to knit together previous experience, common sense, and discernment.
Often agitated by incomplete concepts, my mind feels pressured to arrive at an understanding or decision. Discernment is complicated by an unfortunate tendency to make up stories and rationalise questionable facts.
Body
Focused narrowly on survival my body has little appetite for nuance. In an emergency the body, skilled at instant response, can summon incredible endurance or strength. The body keeps everything running while we sleep, refines the fuel, defends against invaders, and pays the bills. Beyond the basic menu of indicators: hungry, tired, or alarmed, the body has opinions on far more than simply food, exercise, and rest.
Danger triggers an instant physical response, the hairs on my arm stand at attention or I experience a sudden rapid heartbeat. Adrenaline or cortisol flood my bloodstream and there鈥檚 little need to puzzle out a situation. I rely on my body to manage all the physiological systems that enable an instant reaction.
The body holds many mysteries. Consider instinct. Something just doesn鈥檛 feel right about a situation and all the alarm bells go off for no discernible reason. Threat, grief, and passion find physical expression in the body. Humans share this in common, yet words fail to accurately describe the phenomena.
Some believe instinct emanates from the experience of previous generations stored in the body. We smell smoke and ancient memories of wildfires and heat trigger an instant reaction. While the body sends a rapid message reliably, interpreting this message can be challenging. Unable to discern magnitude of threat and eager to act, my body is fully prepared to run long before my mind puzzles out the source of the smoke is a recently blown-out candle.
My head excels at discernment but is dangerously slow to respond, prone to complexity and exaggeration. I rely on my body to alert me to danger and show up prepared, and despite my body鈥檚 tendency to sacrifice accuracy for immediacy, it never lies.
Neither completely wrong or right. At times they鈥檙e polarised. An informed arbiter is critical.
Familiar with the agendas and concerns of mind and body, and able to consider both equally, the relationship between my mind and body is steadily maturing. Operating independently, I鈥檝e found mind and body rather blunt instruments. Sharpened against one another and united in their common goal 鈥� survival 鈥� they combine into a powerful asset.
Mind and body are simply the tip of the iceberg. The wide variety of relationships with the 鈥榦ther鈥� we experience pale in comparison to many relationships within the landscape of 鈥榮elf鈥�
We seek reconciliation and collaboration between anger and fear, grief and joy, pleasure, and pain.
How鈥檚 your relationship with yourself?
Nurturing, forgiving and supportive, critical, harsh, and petty? Neglected?
All relationships benefit from on-going maintenance and periodic re-evaluation.
鈥楽nake鈥� Bloomstrand is 118图库鈥檚 special advisor. Read his recent columns on your inner child聽here, relationships聽here聽and on 鈥楾he Power of No鈥櫬�here.