Gaslighting and Anger: What You Need to Know
Schedule Saturday 22 May at 4pm UK time in your diary for our Zoomcast 鈥楪aslighting Workshop鈥�.聽
鈥楪aslighting鈥� is a form of coercive control where the victimiser insists that the victim is confused, confusing, or otherwise disconnected from reality. Once the victim鈥檚 confidence in their perceptions and sense of self are eroded, they can be more easily manipulated.聽
The term derives from a 1938 stage play of the same name, popularised by a 1944 Oscar-winning movie adaptation, where an abusive criminal grinds down his wife鈥檚 mental faculties as a cover for his nefarious goings-on. But while gaslighting in the contemporary sense can sometimes be employed as a smokescreen, it鈥檚 often simply a matter of power and control. Gaslighting tactics fit very neatly within the patterns of destructive interpersonal defence mechanisms, such as narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
The term is most commonly referred to within abusive romantic relationships. But it can take place at work, during casual encounters, within families, or between groups. Gaslighting even occurs on a global level: 鈥榝ake news鈥� and conspiracy theories toy with our sense of universal reason, while ideologies and politicians claim that they are the only rational way forward.
We can be both the victimiser and victim of gaslighting, even simultaneously. Within a long-term relationship, gaslighting can vacillate between partners, especially if the pair are given to power struggles.
Furthermore, gaslighting can be both extreme and very low-level 鈥� the latter to such an extent that we can all be a little bit guilty of employing it in our communication with others.聽
Those of us with anger issues can find ourselves both indulging in gaslighting behaviour and suffering from it. The most obvious example of the former is blaming our anger on others and refusing to take responsibility for it. As for the latter, some of us can end up 鈥榖eaten with the angry stick鈥� 鈥� having our anger issues used against us unfairly by manipulative individuals (indeed, 鈥榞uilt trips鈥� in general are a gaslighting technique). We can even gaslight ourselves, especially when in denial of work we otherwise clearly need to do on our mental health. And we certainly might beat ourselves up with that angry stick.
Crucially, gaslighting can turn into an 鈥榓nger style鈥� 鈥� a mode of expressing anger that is almost subconscious, and becomes characteristic. Take a look at this sometimes hilarious by comedienne and writer Sarah Cooper to get an impression of how easy a habit it can be to slip into.
Insisting to a hurt partner that their feelings have no right to be offended 鈥渂ecause I didn鈥檛 mean it like that鈥�, or telling a child that they 鈥渉ave always eaten broccoli before鈥� when you frankly have no recollection of how their palette takes to it, are modes of casual, 鈥榤icro鈥� gaslighting that we may all fall into when feeling impatient or defensive.
Psychologically, gaslighting is 鈥榯he pathologically insecure preying upon the conventionally insecure鈥�. The difference between the types of insecurity in this case is intent. The pathologically insecure crave power, which psychologists call a 鈥榤alevolent鈥� motivation. The conventionally insecure doubt themselves, which makes them prey to a forceful, immoral individual such as a narcissist. Often the two experienced similar issues in childhood, and are drawn to each other in relationships.
How can you defend yourself against gaslighting? This concerns one of the core aspects of anger management coaching 鈥� developing a strong yet mindful sense of self, gauging where we need to draw boundaries, then expressing our right and intention to do so.
And how do you stop yourself from doing it? Another pillar of 118图库鈥檚 anger management program is taking responsibility for our actions and emotions, being mindful of our behaviour, and striving to act with emotional intelligence. Often this requires a shift in perception. We must be slightly less concerned with experiencing our own feelings yet more aware of those of others; but simultaneously more confident in our instincts and motivated to take action when required, even if that includes a degree of conflict.
In addition to teaching anger management techniques, 118图库鈥檚 Beating Anger course examines difficulties in communication and relationships that can lead to frustration and rage, such as gaslighting. Book a Taster Evening or a Beating Anger course today to find out more and develop your emotional intelligence to a point where it can be life changing.