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Boosting Self-Esteem: A Crucial Step in Managing Anger

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Anger is a complex emotion that profoundly affects our lives, relationships, and well-being. While it’s natural to experience anger occasionally, how we manage and express it can make all the difference. One often overlooked but vital aspect of anger management is self-esteem—the value we place on ourselves and our abilities.

Here’s why increasing self-esteem is fundamental to effectively managing anger:

Improved Emotional Regulation:
Self-esteem is like a shield against negative emotions. When we value ourselves and have confidence in our abilities, we’re better equipped to approach challenges with a positive mindset. This positive outlook is a buffer against stress and anger, helping us to regulate our emotions more effectively. It means we don’t get as wound up as we might because we have a core sense of self and/or value system that supports a healthy self-esteem. It means we are not trigger happy and we don’t overreact to things and we understand what we need to do in order to manage something in a healthy way as opposed to trying to dominate or control our environments because, fundamentally, we feel so out of control. Learning what our needs are and taking responsibility for getting them met, understanding what our ‘emotional tank’ is makes us better people – more able to really respond to situations in a way that is co-operative and healthy, rather than being manipulative.

Reduced Sensitivity to Criticism:
High self-esteem makes us less vulnerable to criticism. Instead of reacting defensively or with hostility, we can calmly evaluate feedback and decide how to respond constructively. This reduced sensitivity to criticism minimizes triggers for anger, fostering healthier interactions. In fact, your reactivity is a red flag telling you there’s some work to be done. Often, when we have overreacted to a situation we have emotionally regressed (when we’re reduced to a 5-year old for instance) and when there is emotional regression there is something that lies in the past that has been triggered by a current experience. Learning skills to communicate and remove yourself from a highly charged environment takes skill and working through the triggers requires help – from either a trained professional or a fellow participant from one of your anger management classes who may have been taught the same material.

Increased Resilience:
Self-esteem builds resilience—the ability to bounce back from setbacks. Resilient individuals are less likely to respond to stressors with anger. They can navigate challenges without letting them undermine their sense of self-worth, thus reducing the likelihood of angry outbursts. In fact, the more one recognises one’s ability to do this the more your self esteem builds. Your setbacks are no longer experienced as setbacks but a learning opportunity. A mind-shift happens and it’s a crucial one.

Better Social Skills:
Self-esteem is closely tied to social skills and relationships. Those with healthy self-esteem communicate assertively, reducing the likelihood of conflicts that could escalate into anger. Positive interactions with others contribute to a supportive environment that minimizes anger triggers. People who are able to attune to their environment – empathically – are more able to meet the needs or others, allowing them to feel heard and understood which allows for greater levels of connectedness. People who have issues with their anger will tend to push people away more than they can connect and it is a lonely and isolated place to be. Human beings are not hardwired to be alone, we are social animals and a healthy individual is created by a healthy community.

Positive Self-Image and Perspective:
High self-esteem fosters a positive self-image and optimistic outlook viewing setbacks as temporary and external rather than that of personal shortcomings. This reduces self-blame and a sense of shame and negative emotions that can fuel anger. Shame can trigger what we call ‘self-defense’ anger and can come out fighting fiercely because it is too painful to feel the shame. This can often be completely unconscious too. A loop of negative thinking can be triggered leaving a person feeling depressed and very isolated.

Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills:
Confidence in our abilities enables us to approach problems with a solutions-focused mindset. Instead of succumbing to anger, individuals with high self-esteem are more inclined to seek constructive solutions, preventing escalation. They can take on feedback and co-operate to find a win-win solution. They have an inbuilt tolerance system to navigate feeling uncomfortable whilst simultaneously reading and attending to their environment. These are ‘soft skills’ that are necessary in an ever complex world.

Decreased Need for Control:
Secure individuals are less compelled to control others or situations, a common trigger for anger. High self-esteem reduces the perception of threats in uncertain circumstances, diminishing the need for angry reactions. Individuals may justify their angry outbursts on the basis that they are ‘right’, but what they may be revealing instead is that they have an incapacity for diversity. Black / white thinking leaves no grey and us human beings are very grey and every other colour in-between.

So, you may be asking – What causes low self-esteem?

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’S):

Adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs, include traumatic events that occur in our developmental years before the age of 17, which can include:

• experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect
• witnessing violence in the home or community
• having a family member attempt or die by suicide

It also includes aspects of a child’s environment that undermines their sense of safety, stability, and bonding, such as growing up in a household with:

• substance use problems
• mental health problems
• instability due to parental separation or household members going to jail or prison

These experiences can shape self-esteem and contribute to feelings of inadequacy which has a lasting legacy into adulthood. Only through self examination with the help of therapeutic intervention and trauma resolution can an individual free themselves from the shackles of negative self image.

Societal Pressure:
Unrealistic societal standards can fuel feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. Social or religious pressures can fuel a sense of shame especially if an individual contradicts the status quo which exacerbates feelings of isolation and alienation.
Comparison with Others:
Comparing oneself unfavorably to others, especially on social media, can erode self-esteem. This fuels completely unrealistic expectations and unattainable standards – not recognising or valuing one’s own unique gifts and abilities. Young people are especially vulnerable to this when peer acceptance is so important to them in their early teens.

Personal Failures or Rejection:
Experiencing failure or rejection can dent confidence and self-worth in anyone, but an individual with low self-esteem will find it harder to bounce back from such an experience. Rather than seeing it as an uncomfortable experience in life that they can learn from, it can be mis-interpreted as that they are a deeply flawed human being.

Mental Health Issues:
Experiencing ACE’s in early developmental years can expose an individual to anxiety and depression especially if there were no adults who were encouraging and supportive or if the child experienced neglect. An inaccurate negative self-image can develop from feeling that they did not matter within a family system.

However, it is completely possible to revert low self-esteem and cultivate a healthier sense of self-worth. It is especially important to experience healthy relationships, and to have healthy mirroring. Sometimes, this is necessary first within a therapeutic relationship where the issues of trust can be developed and then encouraged within the wider world. Through the therapeutic relationship, healthy boundaries would be explored and encouraged to be able to assert oneself from a place of ‘your feelings matter’ as opposed to trying to control or dominate your environment because you are so overwhelmed by unprocessed material. Fundamentally it takes a lot of self reflection, guidance, care and compassion and personal development, but it is always worth it and entirely liberating.